i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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