i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
