2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I touched a dick in church today
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
