Pappa wants mamma naked
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My vagina is officially offended.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
