can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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