Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
