why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
