Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
