This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
