i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
