You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
