Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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