I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
