I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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