Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
