Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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