I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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