At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
