The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
