The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
