You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
