today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
