So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
