New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
