I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
