omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
