Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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