Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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