Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you would pick up someone in the library
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
