He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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