The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
