she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
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All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
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Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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