Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
