She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
