dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
