so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
