i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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