Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
