i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
