How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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