I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
