five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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