I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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