I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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