omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
