I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
