like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
