Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
