ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
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Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go