Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I party with great urgency now.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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