I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is Oprah even human
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
