I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
