He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
