I think im going to throw up on grandma
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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