Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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