in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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