I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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