Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Why can't burritos get me drunk
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
