He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
