They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.