you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this