Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
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Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
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The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.