My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
