I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
