It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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