Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
