i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
