i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
