She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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