The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need moral support for this bender
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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